Day 174 – Watching

cant sleep

Not sleeping well. Stressful dreams, upsetting and frustrating, often about family, then I wake up and it takes a while to get back to sleep.  My mind is busy, looking for things to worry about. Intellectually I know that worry doesn’t help and that I’m safe though that doesn’t stop my anxious mind looking for something to worry about.

I’m realising how anxious I am on a day to day basis. I’m so familiar with feeling this background level of anxiety that I feel uncomfortable with the more recent, unfamiliar feeling of accepting life as it is and that I can’t control it.

I lay away last night watching the anxiety searching for something to latch on to while another calmer part of me seemed to almost form a buffer for the worry to bounce off and not be able to latch on to anything. It wasn’t my intellect doing that, my intellect was watching both sides of the process.

Once I realised that this was going on I was able to kind of forget about it.  I don’t think it stopped it’s just that I stopped giving it any attention so I was able to sleep again. Then random worries and fears popped up in my dreams, so the anxiety had found a new way to push through.

Feeling very antsy today. I can’t think of a better word for it, a bit jittering, like I should be busy doing something but I don’t know what.  I do have a choir performance in a few hours and I guess I could do some vacuuming or something before I go. I’m fighting the urge to do and be productive.

I’ve had a brief meditation focussing on the cat in the garden and I have plenty of time to vacuum after choir.

I’m trying to stop rushing everything.  It’s not the rushing that’s problematic, it’s the rushing to get the thing finished, or get on to the next thing, always thinking that once the current job is done I’ll be in something mythical good, or complete, or fixed state.

That state doesn’t exist.

Old habits are clinging on.

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