I’m feeling quite calm and in flow at the mo.
I’ve seen my father today and the love feeling has held. He still said the sorts of things that normally annoy me but I noticed them in a much more intellectual way, not emotionally. I also didn’t bother trying to point out the errors and illogic in his arguments. I didn’t need to feel right.
My psychologist says I’m learning boundaries. I highly recommend boundaries.
I’ll still be around my family, but not feel so tied to them. I had this contradiction of feeling tied to them but different from them, that I didn’t fit in.
I’m feeling comfortable with the not fitting in and not feeling obliged to be tied to them.
This is a wonderful, light feeling. I’m going to enjoy it as long as it lasts.
Of course it will end, or it will be punctuated with times of annoyance and upset. Maybe I’ll be tired or not paying attention and fall into that old reaction. Maybe someone in my family will do something harsh that I can’t be so calm about.
It will pass. The calm and the discontent.
I don’t know that I’ll ever get to have any type of emotionally satisfying conversation with my parents, apart from the generational difference in attitudes to dealing with emotions, there are signs they are both suffering from alcohol related brain injuries.
I don’t know if I’ll ever get to have any type of emotionally satisfying conversation with my siblings. At this stage I think maybe with my brother, as I get to know him better as a human. With my sister I feel like it’s less likely because I don’t think she sees me as a whole person.
I think she sees me as another one of her outsourcers, handy for doing the things she doesn’t want to.