I have often gone through periods of attending a gym, or running, or extended walks, but they tend to last for a few months then I stop for whatever reason. I don’t decide to stop, even if I consciously decide to end a gym membership I keep going with other activities for a while before my activity falls off.
Fuck this. No wonder I have trouble expected, asking for and receiving attention at work.
My first reaction was ‘what a wonderful idea’. Very closely followed by ‘but my role is so insignificant that it doesn’t apply to me’. I think my resistance is not about the role, I think it’s deeper and about my sense of my own worth.
I understand doing the role helps other people but it also puts me face to face with a lot of whinging people. Or at least people who whinge at the receptionist.
For a few months I was blissfully unaware because my cognition was so reduced due to chemo that all I could manage to think about was making sure I ate enough food, drank enough water, got enough sleep and made it to medical appointments. What sweet oblivion.
Everything I do, think and say has to be ‘worthy’ and in an effort to ‘fix’ myself or others. I can’t fix anyone else. I can’t fix myself.
Now I sweat and flush. I sweat in odd places like my eyelids, hands and shins. I grew up in warmish climate, I spent 6 summers in 33˚C heat with 90%+ humidity, very hot and sticky and I don’t ever recall my eyelids, hands and shins sweating.
I gave up trying to multi-task when I read research that says it takes 15 minutes to recover from an interruption. And that’s what multi-tasking feels like to me, being constantly interrupted.
It’s difficult to feel gladness and joyful and generally light when there is an unnoticed dullness holding you down Even though I’ve been skirting around the issue for years, I was never getting down to the core of it.
I’ve been screaming in my head ‘Shut up, I never want to hear about this again. Do I have to leave you to never have this conversation again?’ I know I don’t literally mean that I would leave about any one of those high rotation, previously high anxiety topics, but add them all up and it’s a pretty grim situation.