Day 246 – Lonely


I’ve woken up grumpy. The cat is crying to be taken outside. My husband is getting worked up about drug overdoses and Russian pills, and the discount I’m trying to activate for 10c a litre of petrol isn’t working.

Fuck all of this.

I don’t know why I’m grumpy but I do know that I’m not interested in drugs & overdoses but I am very interested in saving money on petrol because petrol is a very real issue for us right now. Russian drugs are not.

My husband is very verbal and expresses his anxieties about money often, so when I find a way to help and his reaction is to complain that he’d have to go to a different petrol station than he usually does and then to get indignant about Russian drugs, it upsets me.

Another time when my efforts are ignored.

Like when I graduated from University a couple of years ago. I bought tickets for my parents and my sister and her 2 kids (she asked if they could come), I ordered a cake and some sandwiches to have a little party at my house after the ceremony.  The tickets cost about $30 each, and all I up a probably spent $500 or more on the event, including hiring the robes and photos. That was a lot of money that could have been used for other more practical things.

I can’t remember exactly when, but I think only a day before, my sister pulled out, my parents did come but then wouldn’t be in the photos because my father was nervous to walk across the large foyer that was crowded with people, and we came home to too much cake and food for a sad little, embarrassing, event that showed just how much my family wanted to celebrate me.

Fuck this.

No wonder I have trouble expected, asking for and receiving attention at work.

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