Day 328 – Excitment


Excitement – as a psychological and biological term means exagerated reactions and feelings.

In the English language we assume it means a good, or positive, or enjoybale exageration.

But our lizard brains can’t tell the difference between winning the jackpot lottering and being tied to a train track with the engine steaming toward you.

I’m having a panic attack right now.

It’s been going on for almost 3 hours.

My pulse is about 66, which is a little high for me, I’ve recently found out my resting rate is about 50. My chest feels tight with anxiety and that in itself is causing me more anxiety because I have disease in my lungs.  This kind of anxiety/asthma style tightness was the sypmtom that got me to the GP and start the diagnosis almost 2 years go. In fact, now that I think about it, this would have been the level of tightness and the occaisional wheeze,  I’ve heard 2 of them today, that I was feeling exactly 2 years ago, before finally making it to the GP in September 2016.

I can think of a couple of issues that are causing the anxiety, including the dreams I was having this morning.  They started with the familiar frustration theme of not getting somewhere, then morphed into being angry with my father and then landed on being poor. I was almost in tears when I woke up.

My husband has an opportunity that, if it goes ahead by the end of this week, could be a turning point for us financially and for our morale. An opportunity to get just a little beyond enough. To give us at least a month of not feeling terrified and traumatised by money.

Is this excitment of my system, this panic attack be my lizard brain struggling to identify the difference between hopeful anticipation and the more familiar sense of dread I’ve been living with for years?

If this is today’s test I’ll take it. To remain as calm as I can without trying to control it.

This is a feeling. Feelings pass. This feeling will have no bearing on our bank account.


3 thoughts on “Day 328 – Excitment

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