I’ve been screaming in my head ‘Shut up, I never want to hear about this again. Do I have to leave you to never have this conversation again?’ I know I don’t literally mean that I would leave about any one of those high rotation, previously high anxiety topics, but add them all up and it’s a pretty grim situation.
I've missed to days, not as in lost time due to alien abduction and/or psychosis, just forgot to post on the 5th and yesterday. I'm really out of sync now that I'm back at work. I was very careful to learn to slow down, now I have to learn when to speed up and when to slow down.
I’m my big job, to keep growing and changing. I’ll never finish that job. There will be challenges, there will be gifts and joy. There will also just be a lot of repetitious boring stuff that is the meat of life. A boring life sounds wonderful these days.
I can concentrate on my reaction. I hope that limiting my reaction may provide some kind of modelling so their behaviour changes. Maybe its that my reactions are reinforcing the behaviour, so without any reaction from me the behaviour may die off from lack of attention.
Sounds great, but as a human in the western world in 2018, there are a bunch of life admin and societal expectations that I have to meet. I don’t mean that I have to have the most on trend handbag, nail art or weight loss fad and matching outfit, go to the right holiday destination etc.
Instead of sitting at the table half listening to someone and half concentrating on how I can react and respond to appear likable, clever and interesting, I’m going to listen to the speaker 90% and concentrate on me 10%, because I don’t want to spill my drink or dribble or interrupt.
That’s about it. I can do the little tiny things that I can do, when I can do them. I can do plenty for myself, including responding to outside forces. The more I do for me, the better I am at responding to outside forces. The quieter I am inside, the better I can respond to the noise outside.
Then of course there’s the Wizard himself. This person that Elphaba and I put all our hopes in to legitimise us and fix us. Turns out he’s just a guy. He has no power over anyone. He can’t fix anything. He’s just bumbling through like everyone else. OMG! Wicked does it again.
It’s not noble, deep, justified or classy. I’m just jealous and angry that I can’t have kids.
The alcoholism and dysfunction in my family is up the socially acceptable end of the scale. I feel slightly ridiculous for having ‘issues’ about my family. Listening to this gives me great hope that I can grow out of my issues and get to a more neutral, easy place as a member of my family.