I don’t call myself a Buddhist and while I have no problem believing in reincarnation, ‘oceans of galaxies’ and ‘endless eons’, I’m not fully signed up to the program.
I’ve asked the committee what type of song I should sing and they tell me I can sing anything I want. I can hide behind the music and read the lyrics as I sing, so I don’t have to look out and see blank faces, but I don’t want to sing something no one’s ever heard. I’ve googled a few big names like The American Songbook, lists of hits from the 40s, 50s and 60s and names like Vera Lynne.
I spend too much time watching TV these days. A lot of property shows, different countries, different people, different purposes and different goals. Makes me wonder if I’m interested in any sort of work shift in this direction. Something physical with outcomes you can see, feel and touch.
This will show my acting skills. I never think of myself as a performer but I spend lot of time pretending I’m OK and hosting every situation to make sure everyone else is comfortable. It’s not uncommon for me to leave a social situation, or wave people goodbye at my front door and physically slump the second I’m out of view.
I’m jealous of everyone else in the world whose life is going according to plan with no major catastrophes. Of course I know this is a completely false assumption.
Vanity. Had my hair coloured today. Had to cover the white, transparent roots that made it look like my scalp was visible.
My mother popped in briefly and unexpectedly yesterday afternoon. Of course. And of course some of the issues that were biting so hard came up. And of course, the thing that I was so hurt about for her was not something that she was bothered about at all.
The fantasy of All at Sea is running away, and my mood would only run away with me. The other aspect of All at Sea that resonates is feeling adrift. Bobbing around, at the mercy of the tide with no direction, no anchor.
Now I’m worried that I’ll get bad results tomorrow and may even need more chemo. I will or I won’t. I have no control over it. There is no other reason to suspect bad results. Fear wins over reason sometimes.
The last year he has carried the bulk of the home duties, bringing in the money and as my emotional support. Though I didn’t ever need physical help, I needed a lot of wisdom from him to manage the little energy I had.