I’m feeling like I have more time and brain space on my hands. I’m taking this as a sign that there is less whirring worrying going on in the back of my mind.
This is a wonderful, light feeling. I’m going to enjoy it as long as it lasts. Of course it will end, or it will be punctuated with times of annoyance and upset. Maybe I’ll be tired or not paying attention and fall into that old reaction. Maybe someone in my family will do something harsh that I can’t be so calm about.
I lay away last night watching the anxiety searching for something to latch on to while another calmer part of me seemed to almost form a buffer for the worry to bounce off and not be able to latch on to anything. It wasn’t my intellect doing that, my intellect was watching both sides of the process.
Had a bit of cry about being infertile. Felt much better after it and a little more alert but not necessarily energetic. I’m contemplating going to the gym but it’s not exciting me too much. Maybe a walk. Maybe nothing.
Yesterday, reading the end of the book and how the people close to her helped her to die and helped each other, I was overcome with a wave of emotion. My initial response was to push through and keep reading, but I noticed I was pushing down the feeling to keep going with doing, so I put the book down and just felt the feelings.
Dreams are hard to decipher. Most of the time. I have a couple of reoccurring dreams. One is of insects or spiders coming down from the ceiling and landing on my in bed. It’s always in bed and it’s very realistic. Whatever room I went to sleep in is the room in the dream. It … Continue reading Day 170 – Bad dream
There’s so much information out there that I could easily spend the rest of my life reading and never practice or experience any of it. I also have a lot of respect for tradition that I wouldn’t want to take any one school lightly and think that I could just dip in and out of it.
My cat is part of my medical team. The unconditional love of a pet is very soothing. The irrational tantrums of a pet can also be a great way to shake you out of whatever you’re obsessing over. It’s been said that cats have a similar intelligence and emotional capacity to a human toddler. The … Continue reading Day 168 – Present
Considering I’ve been going to Buddhist stuff for about 3 years now, it’s only now that this has sunk in, or maybe risen up and I’m noticing it.
This wonderful book says that I’m alone or weird or broken, I’m a multipotentialite. I thrive with variety and once I’ve mastered something and there’s no variety left, I’ll want to move on and try something new.