I have often gone through periods of attending a gym, or running, or extended walks, but they tend to last for a few months then I stop for whatever reason. I don’t decide to stop, even if I consciously decide to end a gym membership I keep going with other activities for a while before my activity falls off.
For a few months I was blissfully unaware because my cognition was so reduced due to chemo that all I could manage to think about was making sure I ate enough food, drank enough water, got enough sleep and made it to medical appointments. What sweet oblivion.
Now I sweat and flush. I sweat in odd places like my eyelids, hands and shins. I grew up in warmish climate, I spent 6 summers in 33˚C heat with 90%+ humidity, very hot and sticky and I don’t ever recall my eyelids, hands and shins sweating.
It’s difficult to feel gladness and joyful and generally light when there is an unnoticed dullness holding you down Even though I’ve been skirting around the issue for years, I was never getting down to the core of it.
While I was on leave there were hospital appointments, and a few social and family appointments, and my husband would try to keep me entertain with some low key outings.
I've missed to days, not as in lost time due to alien abduction and/or psychosis, just forgot to post on the 5th and yesterday. I'm really out of sync now that I'm back at work. I was very careful to learn to slow down, now I have to learn when to speed up and when to slow down.
A student asks a Zen master what it’s like when we die, the master answers that he doesn’t know. The student is stunned and ask if he’s a Zen master why he doesn’t know, the master answers that he’s not a dead Zen master.
It's hard to get back into the work routine. I've had the same routine for 3 weeks, but now it's changing again for week 4 and 5. The week 5 routine should last for a couple of months and give me the stability to settle into and straighten myself out.
I’m my big job, to keep growing and changing. I’ll never finish that job. There will be challenges, there will be gifts and joy. There will also just be a lot of repetitious boring stuff that is the meat of life. A boring life sounds wonderful these days.
This made me understand that the web project was a really great distraction during treatment. I wasn’t working, I had a lot of time on my hands. I love to read but couldn’t concentrate on reading for very long, after binge watching a couple of good shows I couldn’t take any more TV, but for a while there I could still write and do the visual stuff of building a website.