My family’s influence, my history and my expectations have brought me here, in spite of myself. Now I’m going to dare to consider that I’m not broken at all, that I’ve been hiding and that I don’t have to anymore.
I was talking with my mother in law briefly about my physical and mental health and said “I know I don’t have a good mind/body connection”, she’s not a big fan of psychologists so I knew she wouldn’t jump on board with it and I exaggerated the phrase mind/body connection to concede that. Her reaction of eye rolling dismissive disdain was hard and fast.
My actual illness is not the biggest problem I have right now. Fighting years of habits, fear, conditioning, old family memories, other people’s expectations, my own expectations. That’s my biggest problem.
That makes me feel sad and forgotten. I used to think that it was childish or indulgent to feel that. Now I’m not going to neglect myself by stifling it or denying that feeling if it happens again next week. I’m allowed to feel let down.
On a ship he had worked on years ago. He was worried I wouldn’t like it. All the things he thought I wouldn’t like were the things I liked, and for the same reasons he thought I wouldn’t. I liked the naffness of it.
I shut down and close off when I’m upset. He talks more and for longer, and baits me for responses to keep me engaged. Neither of us is right or wrong. We are different.
The pros of this is that I’m organised, analytical, a problem solver, pragmatic, I can delay gratification, see a project through and I’m reliable. The cons of this are that I am constantly doing with no sense of being.
I want to ‘help’ people so they’ll stop complaining because I don’t like listening to the complaints – selfish. I eat junk food even though I know I will feel horrible after and then play all sorts of emotional mind games with myself – addict.
My habit of ‘doing’ something, trying to force something that never comes out as I planned it, because it never can The more I push, the less things work.
Boundaries. Nothing is as simple as one thing or the other, but now it feels like my options are to be seen as the hysteric now or be seen as neglectful later.