"Thank you, for loving me at my worst", how wonderful to be able to say that to someone. If you're still in contact with them or not, family, friend or partner. Someone that has seen you at your worst has probably also probably felt some pain due to your actions, and they are still there.
I’m moving from regret and disappointment that they are my parents, to compassion for their suffering and misfortune.
These days we sometimes try to comfort ourselves that not having a small child through my recent illness was one less stress for us and that child. Or we wonder if the pregnancy would have exacerbated my illness, or my illness caused a miscarriage. We’ll never know.
My ideal get away at the moment would be to go away on my own, with my laptop and stack of books. The only people I’ll talk to are staff when I check in and out and when I’m ordering food. Though if my stomach is still as sensitive as it is right now I’ll book a self-catering place and take my own chicken and brown rice and won’t have to talk to anyone in between check in and out.
All families have their foibles, and an in-law’s family foibles can be more frustrating at times because you don’t share their normal. At other times, like a big party, the lack of genetic connection and understanding of their normal can be freeing.
Just because I find self-analysis-improvement-growth-help etc fascinating and rewarding, doesn't mean everyone or anyone else is into it. But when add that to my middle child, possible child of a narcissist, boundary lacking habit of taking responsiblity for others, and mix in a dash of medical infertility and boom - I am that scrambled egg woman.
My father has no idea that his absence and complete lack of interest in his wife and children could be considered wrong. It's not just 'that's the way things were in the 80's' or 'thats the way he was raised'. He has no ability to consider that there could be any other way, e.g. no empathy.
In the end we both had a peaceful night, went to bed with our favourite bed time podcast, Sasquash Chronicles, and got a good night's sleep.
In the end I didn't get my phone back until Saturday morning. I survived almost 2 days without it and then spent the rest of the weekend mostly off the phone and not on the laptop at all. I didn't notice that until realising this morning that I hadn't posted over the weekend. The weekend wasn't … Continue reading Day 323 – Lessons