One of the good things about taking leave from work last year was all that time alone. I didn’t feel lonely. I think it helped me cope.
I have spent years telling my husband that it won’t be that ‘the money will come and then everything will be better’. It will be that ‘we will get better and life and then the money will come’. I take it back.
I’m afraid that I keep letting these opportunities go by, and I’m afraid that I do that because I’m afraid that I don’t know which one really is the better option. I’m also afraid that even if I did know which is the better option, I’m not taking it out of fear. Fear of the practical implications, of other people’s reactions, of the discomfort, of other’s opinion of me changing for the worse, fear that it won’t be any better, and on and on.
What the fuck do I know about anything? I tell him that I misunderstand what he’s saying because I take him literally. Nope, I create meaning based on my bullshit, not on his specific words.
It’s difficult to feel gladness and joyful and generally light when there is an unnoticed dullness holding you down Even though I’ve been skirting around the issue for years, I was never getting down to the core of it.
I’ve been screaming in my head ‘Shut up, I never want to hear about this again. Do I have to leave you to never have this conversation again?’ I know I don’t literally mean that I would leave about any one of those high rotation, previously high anxiety topics, but add them all up and it’s a pretty grim situation.
Do you leave their company feeling happy, energised, excited, comforted and generally pleasant? Or do you leave feeling sad, angry, tired, frustrated, anxious and generally glum?
As soon as a comedian starts to tell me how to think I turn off. You’re a comedian, make me laugh! The other great thing about my favourite podcasts is that they usually send me off looking up other things. Books, people, other podcasts.
I can concentrate on my reaction. I hope that limiting my reaction may provide some kind of modelling so their behaviour changes. Maybe its that my reactions are reinforcing the behaviour, so without any reaction from me the behaviour may die off from lack of attention.
Instead of sitting at the table half listening to someone and half concentrating on how I can react and respond to appear likable, clever and interesting, I’m going to listen to the speaker 90% and concentrate on me 10%, because I don’t want to spill my drink or dribble or interrupt.