But the constant rejection is unpleasant. Sitting with that unpleasant feeling is difficult and I usually avoid it by making myself very busy, binge eating or drinking, then getting indignant and making a new more complicated plan to 'show them'.
There are some things that have passed or fallen out of fashion that I still like and wish were more widespread. There are some things that exist today that I love and there are things that are being projected for the future that fill me with wonder and others that fill me with dread.
It hurts to be rejected. It hurts to be rejected and to have to face that rejection in the presence of others again and again.
What if I dug more in the why of the goal or the thing that was fun to dream up but wont' get finished? What if that gives me alternate ways to achieve the why and 'finish' that instead.
How quickly I've fallen out of love with the gym! The idea of going back is not exciting me. It feels to hard to go to work all day then rush to the gym. To expensive to pay the trainer. I could save even more money by cancelling my membership altogether!
Hum or hmmmmm... roughly the sound I made when I realised I was using hum-ility and hum-iliation interchangeably. Not interchangeably, but depending on how I felt at the time, I was telling the same story but using -ility- or -iliation- baseded on my emotional state.
I often hear Jeannie's lament Why does Ferris get to ditch when everyone else has to go? echoing around my head when I'm feeling lost, frustrated, thwarted, ignored, unheard, unnoticed, misunderstood and just plain treated unfairly.
So while I'm pursuing an academic and corporate goal, others are approaching me with creative options. I believe I can do both. I can have an interesting, well paid, corporate day job, and I can continue to hone my crafty crafts and potentially profit from both.
I'm getting much better at noticing things, but the improvement in intuiting what to do with the things I notice is not as rapid. My current theory is that being open to the opportunities is the most important thing.
Tired. Grumpy. Rejected. Defeated. Whingey. Self-pitying. Jealous. It's 8.26am and I've already puked today. It's going to be a struggle to get through the day. Why is it so hard? What am I supposed to be learning? When can I contribute something meaningful? Is it too much to ask to be in engaging, decently paid … Continue reading Post 395 – Eff it all