"Thank you, for loving me at my worst", how wonderful to be able to say that to someone. If you're still in contact with them or not, family, friend or partner. Someone that has seen you at your worst has probably also probably felt some pain due to your actions, and they are still there.
I had an interview for the job in the Quality department yesterday and I can say I did my best. That's all I could have done. It will, or will not have been enough. There were some parts of the interview that I think promoted me and others that highlighted my 'gaps' as the jargon goes.
The beautiful Leonard Cohen song 'If It Be Your Will' has been in my mind. It's one of his songs that is prayerful. That's not surprising because he spent years in a monastery and was ordained as a Rinzai Zen Buddhist monk. A sign? My subconcious? Coincidence?
It was good to have the conversation and I was left considering it as a compliment and also a warning that I didn’t want to let myself get stuck there because I was too useful at fixing problems that they wouldn’t want me to go anywhere else in the company.
There’s a whole world out there that I feel disconnected from, like an outside observer, and I feel happier, or certainly less scared and bullied, for it.
Just because I find self-analysis-improvement-growth-help etc fascinating and rewarding, doesn't mean everyone or anyone else is into it. But when add that to my middle child, possible child of a narcissist, boundary lacking habit of taking responsiblity for others, and mix in a dash of medical infertility and boom - I am that scrambled egg woman.
Then I visit the oncologist who, along with giving good results, he stated matter of factly that there is very little any of us can control in our lives. He's right. Of course he's right. I know that. But living it is another thing altogether.
I will keep this up as long as takes to do it with joy. Or at least without pretending.
I was already pretty deep into an existential crisis when I was diagnosed. The treatment put that on hold for a bit but one of the down sides of my physical recovery is the emotional problems have room to flourish.