Now I’m worried that I’ll get bad results tomorrow and may even need more chemo. I will or I won’t. I have no control over it. There is no other reason to suspect bad results. Fear wins over reason sometimes.
The last year he has carried the bulk of the home duties, bringing in the money and as my emotional support. Though I didn’t ever need physical help, I needed a lot of wisdom from him to manage the little energy I had.
Sadness. Deep sadness is surging through me. Not surging, that sounds quite active. Maybe seeping. Seeping slowly all through me.
Although I’ve thought I was fat and my body was horrible since I was about 12, I’ve always been happy that with my face. I think I’m pretty. I always want to do something different with my hair, but I’ve never felt bad about myself from the neck up.
Illness is a great way to be busy. I had to … Just. Keep. Going. Now I’m well enough to be able to do more than Just. Keep. Going. but not well enough to go back to work. I was working part time, 5 x ½ days a week. I couldn’t even do that yet. I could probably do 3 x ½ days.
There are so many things we do out of habit, for comfort, following others, all sorts of reasons, and we think we love doing these things but they are no good for us. They don’t leave us feeling better, or peaceful, they often leave us feeling less bad or maybe numbed.
“Actually, I have cancer and I had 6 months of chemo this year, so now I need to get some strength back.” I don’t think I’ve said that to stranger outside of a hospital or Doctor’s office.
Emotionally, my strength has improved. My health has improved. Now I can tackle the physical weakness. I’m vein enough to also want to look amazing after all of this.
I honestly have no idea what my purpose in the world is, what reason there must be for this collection of cells that is me. I will always wonder, but there has been a big shift if feeling that I need to know the answer.
In Australia ‘we’ love sport. The Olympic and Commonwealth Games always get me cranky because there is so much propaganda that is willingly taken on and suddenly everyone who doesn’t give a shit about most of the sports and athletes for the rest of the time, suddenly becomes and addict and expert for 2 weeks.